Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully away from position. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")

Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Certainly, confident, let's have Yet another position where American Adult males can don robes and contact it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer you everyone a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be soft power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It's that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the project, replied, "You are aware of, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of Trump Tower Damascus sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Options

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Regulate established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"

The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is now attracting attention from international buyers, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also consist of:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to hold out to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down provider."

One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:

China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Ultimate Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."